BACK AGAIN
in the space between
having and remembering
after touching
the afterglow
of loving connection
comes the emptiness
filled by clinging,
wandering and loss

the moments
of smiles and sharing
have faded
into traces
tasting of bittersweet sadness
shadowed by cloudy dreams
of family and home
safety, harmony
and shared hearts

the laughter is gone
the familiar scent
has vanished
like the years
of little kisses
and lingering hugs
all dried
from my skin
and the tears of leaving
have fallen silent
on this well worn road
of separation

my choices
have created a lifetime
of not having
enough time
to share
with her
and she comes and goes
like a sweet breeze
that fills my heart
and empties my dark holdings
with a rose colored light
that fades
when she leaves again
like I also have done
so often to her

this circle of hearts
like a crown of thorns
pierces deep
but still I want to wear it
tie it to me
like a red flag
to wave in my life
for more than
another brief fleeting moment

and the hundred heavy pounds
of hollow heart
beating
in my chest
makes me lie down
believing that
will ease the burden
but the weight
only sinks more
drops deeper
into the aching cavity
of isolation
I call home

I strike these words
like a match
on the dry sand
of my mind
trying
to feel the light
to focus trust
and hold
with compassion
just a memory of this fire
but the cold blaze
shines only on my emptiness
reveals the shadows
of more lost love
and tearful stains
from earliest childhood
to now
crouching in a shroud
of sadness

if I was whole
I would be home
sharing a place to live
and a way of life
with family
and some security
contact and understanding
that would
be a blessing
a forgiveness
and a new creation
born out of the patterns
of the past

I don’t know
if that possibility
will ever be
but for me
for now
I slowly return
to my solitary home
back again
into the underworld
of this one small life
I call my own

sitting here at the end
of this day
I hear the clear presence
of compassion and kindness
asking me to
release the grudge
I still hold
about failure
loss and hurt
shame and revenge
I have held for years
against myself
that hollowed out this heart
into a stone cave
where I kept
this entrance sealed
views shuttered
lights off
cells locked tight
into sleep

but then
in the awakening of morning
seeing it with
fresh awareness
I change
opening windows
unlocking doors I step out
into the sunlight of
a new day
filling my cup
with sky, clouds, warmth, heart and birdsong
I walk my familiar route
under the mighty oaks
past the jasmine
through the roses
onto the pier
reaching into Salt Run
back into the flowing truth
of no separation,
distance, loneliness
or fear
seeing many suns
one the sky
another in the water
and one more
in my heart